Today, I am so happy that I did not bother you during your orientation programme. However, I eventually ruined the day. So lost.
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Thursday, 10 January 2013
481 Days.
After quarrelling last night, I thought things might get better.
I'm not sure what has gotten in me, I admit I've been really harsh lately. So today I went to your uni together with you, things were going on smoothly, until after lunch.
For me I felt really weird to have a stranger sitting together with us in the quiet study room. The impression I had for that particular person was not good, therefore I felt uneasy. Permission of joining us was not even asked at all. I'm being over sensitive here, I guess? I did not talk so much today because of the presence of her. There was a time today when you guys were talking about the medical terms which I totally do not know, I felt like I'm a third person in the room together with you guys. Felt so terrible.
Only if I was smart enough to join you for medicine course. I wished.
Then later you went mms together with her. I went to the restroom when you were there for perhaps like half an hour, and I walked past you, I just realized you were there in the mms museum. I saw both of you were the people left there, and you guys were just talking while relaxing.. I meant like at that moment my mind was so fucked up? I shouldnt bother and I chose to remain silent. And your other friends actually said you could finish the mms in 10 minutes :/ I wished I did not hear that. At least I could think you really took a long time to do the mms questions.
Next you came back to the room, she came along. When you wanted to refill my bottle, she asked you to refill hers too. There's no way you could reject I believe, because you are being a gentleman right there. I do not blame you, instead I blamed myself for being so sensitive and high in jealousy level. Well for me I just felt that when one has a girlfriend or even the girlfriend is right there, one shouldn't make her as an invisible person isn't it? I felt like I am not being respected. Com'on, he's my boyfriend and you're asking him to do things that he only does for the girlfriend. I was really pissed off and upset at the same time. I teared, I am sorry for making you that worried. But I just couldn't control.
While I was waiting for you to pack your stuffs, she waited for you too. It made me felt like, she always waited for you to walk to the car together. Yes, it does not mean anything, but sigh, i just dislike it. I know I am acting like a bitch right here, being so close-minded. I wished I was never like that. Perhaps her actions do not mean anything, but it made me thought of a lot of stuffs. Unfortunately.
The reason I did not want to follow you to the birthday dinner is because I do not want you to feel that I ain't letting you having your own time with your mates. I know sometimes guys prefer to be around his friends without his girlfriend. I insisted not to join. I just dont wish to make your life that miserable with my presence.
I'm not sure what has gotten in me, I admit I've been really harsh lately. So today I went to your uni together with you, things were going on smoothly, until after lunch.
For me I felt really weird to have a stranger sitting together with us in the quiet study room. The impression I had for that particular person was not good, therefore I felt uneasy. Permission of joining us was not even asked at all. I'm being over sensitive here, I guess? I did not talk so much today because of the presence of her. There was a time today when you guys were talking about the medical terms which I totally do not know, I felt like I'm a third person in the room together with you guys. Felt so terrible.
Only if I was smart enough to join you for medicine course. I wished.
Then later you went mms together with her. I went to the restroom when you were there for perhaps like half an hour, and I walked past you, I just realized you were there in the mms museum. I saw both of you were the people left there, and you guys were just talking while relaxing.. I meant like at that moment my mind was so fucked up? I shouldnt bother and I chose to remain silent. And your other friends actually said you could finish the mms in 10 minutes :/ I wished I did not hear that. At least I could think you really took a long time to do the mms questions.
Next you came back to the room, she came along. When you wanted to refill my bottle, she asked you to refill hers too. There's no way you could reject I believe, because you are being a gentleman right there. I do not blame you, instead I blamed myself for being so sensitive and high in jealousy level. Well for me I just felt that when one has a girlfriend or even the girlfriend is right there, one shouldn't make her as an invisible person isn't it? I felt like I am not being respected. Com'on, he's my boyfriend and you're asking him to do things that he only does for the girlfriend. I was really pissed off and upset at the same time. I teared, I am sorry for making you that worried. But I just couldn't control.
While I was waiting for you to pack your stuffs, she waited for you too. It made me felt like, she always waited for you to walk to the car together. Yes, it does not mean anything, but sigh, i just dislike it. I know I am acting like a bitch right here, being so close-minded. I wished I was never like that. Perhaps her actions do not mean anything, but it made me thought of a lot of stuffs. Unfortunately.
The reason I did not want to follow you to the birthday dinner is because I do not want you to feel that I ain't letting you having your own time with your mates. I know sometimes guys prefer to be around his friends without his girlfriend. I insisted not to join. I just dont wish to make your life that miserable with my presence.
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
480 Days.
Perhaps I could say it's the worst fight that has ever happened between us.
You fetched me over to your place today, and we were fine. Just when we were lying down on the bed after dinner, you told me there's something that you wanted to tell me long time ago but you do not know how to start it. I was acting so calm at first, I thought it would last, eventually it did not.
You told me that you are a permanent OO for the coming orientation. When I already knew you were one few months back, I was waiting for you to tell me. But yeah, you only told me today when you are going to have your OO meeting tomorrow. I was really pissed off due to a few reasons,
1) You said you knew I would be mad if you join so you wouldnt join.
2) You asked for my permission if you could join or not, I said no, but you got mad, and still join even if i said no.
3) You told me you would be a temporary OO which you do not need to be there for the whole two weeks from morning to night but you joined permanent OO.
4) You did not tell me about you confirmed joining until today, and it seemed like I am the last person to know about this.
It made me felt that you did not put me in your situation at all. I just want you to think for me sometimes. Since you really wanna join, I dont mind, as long as you are the temporary OO. You told me you dont have enough time to study. And this orientation is during your holidays. Are you sure you have enough time for everything? Next semester would not be easy for you already. I'm sure you need preparations and stuffs. Holidays do not come all the time, dont you need to rest? Sometimes I really see myself caring too much, maybe I should back off. All the time I told myself I should care lesser, then you would not feel suffocated. But I just couldn't. I just want to go into your life and I believe sometimes I would screw it. But I just want the best for you, and us.
I was really heartbroken, at the same time really unhappy yet devastated. Caring too much lead us to arguments, and causes tears and pain. While I was crying, I thought I was gonna faint. My mind was half conscious, all I felt inside was I wanna fall off from a cliff. I do not know what to do. The only thing that came to my mind was, if I walk out from your life, you wouldn't be controlled by me, you would lead a better yet happier life. The feeling of letting go is so hard, I want to hold back because I really loved you too much. I am trying my best to change my attitude. I am trying my best to give you happiness.
I am sorry if I could not make you happy.... But you're the best guy that I ever had in my life.
Thank you for not neglecting me, for taking all the shits that I have, and all those treatings that might hurt you almost all the time.
You fetched me over to your place today, and we were fine. Just when we were lying down on the bed after dinner, you told me there's something that you wanted to tell me long time ago but you do not know how to start it. I was acting so calm at first, I thought it would last, eventually it did not.
You told me that you are a permanent OO for the coming orientation. When I already knew you were one few months back, I was waiting for you to tell me. But yeah, you only told me today when you are going to have your OO meeting tomorrow. I was really pissed off due to a few reasons,
1) You said you knew I would be mad if you join so you wouldnt join.
2) You asked for my permission if you could join or not, I said no, but you got mad, and still join even if i said no.
3) You told me you would be a temporary OO which you do not need to be there for the whole two weeks from morning to night but you joined permanent OO.
4) You did not tell me about you confirmed joining until today, and it seemed like I am the last person to know about this.
It made me felt that you did not put me in your situation at all. I just want you to think for me sometimes. Since you really wanna join, I dont mind, as long as you are the temporary OO. You told me you dont have enough time to study. And this orientation is during your holidays. Are you sure you have enough time for everything? Next semester would not be easy for you already. I'm sure you need preparations and stuffs. Holidays do not come all the time, dont you need to rest? Sometimes I really see myself caring too much, maybe I should back off. All the time I told myself I should care lesser, then you would not feel suffocated. But I just couldn't. I just want to go into your life and I believe sometimes I would screw it. But I just want the best for you, and us.
I was really heartbroken, at the same time really unhappy yet devastated. Caring too much lead us to arguments, and causes tears and pain. While I was crying, I thought I was gonna faint. My mind was half conscious, all I felt inside was I wanna fall off from a cliff. I do not know what to do. The only thing that came to my mind was, if I walk out from your life, you wouldn't be controlled by me, you would lead a better yet happier life. The feeling of letting go is so hard, I want to hold back because I really loved you too much. I am trying my best to change my attitude. I am trying my best to give you happiness.
I am sorry if I could not make you happy.... But you're the best guy that I ever had in my life.
Thank you for not neglecting me, for taking all the shits that I have, and all those treatings that might hurt you almost all the time.
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