528 Days.

别说是你，我自己都怕看到我这样子。。。。。

Today, I am so happy that I did not bother you during your orientation programme. However, I eventually ruined the day. So lost.

481 Days.

After quarrelling last night, I thought things might get better.
I'm not sure what has gotten in me, I admit I've been really harsh lately. So today I went to your uni together with you, things were going on smoothly, until after lunch.
For me I felt really weird to have a stranger sitting together with us in the quiet study room. The impression I had for that particular person was not good, therefore I felt uneasy. Permission of joining us was not even asked at all. I'm being over sensitive here, I guess? I did not talk so much today because of the presence of her. There was a time today when you guys were talking about the medical terms which I totally do not know, I felt like I'm a third person in the room together with you guys. Felt so terrible.
Only if I was smart enough to join you for medicine course. I wished.
Then later you went mms together with her. I went to the restroom when you were there for perhaps like half an hour, and I walked past you, I just realized you were there in the mms museum. I saw both of you were the people left there, and you guys were just talking while relaxing.. I meant like at that moment my mind was so fucked up? I shouldnt bother and I chose to remain silent. And your other friends actually said you could finish the mms in 10 minutes :/ I wished I did not hear that. At least I could think you really took a long time to do the mms questions.
Next you came back to the room, she came along. When you wanted to refill my bottle, she asked you to refill hers too. There's no way you could reject I believe, because you are being a gentleman right there. I do not blame you, instead I blamed myself for being so sensitive and high in jealousy level. Well for me I just felt that when one has a girlfriend or even the girlfriend is right there, one shouldn't make her as an invisible person isn't it? I felt like I am not being respected. Com'on, he's my boyfriend and you're asking him to do things that he only does for the girlfriend. I was really pissed off and upset at the same time. I teared, I am sorry for making you that worried. But I just couldn't control.
While I was waiting for you to pack your stuffs, she waited for you too. It made me felt like, she always waited for you to walk to the car together. Yes, it does not mean anything, but sigh, i just dislike it. I know I am acting like a bitch right here, being so close-minded. I wished I was never like that. Perhaps her actions do not mean anything, but it made me thought of a lot of stuffs. Unfortunately.
The reason I did not want to follow you to the birthday dinner is because I do not want you to feel that I ain't letting you having your own time with your mates. I know sometimes guys prefer to be around his friends without his girlfriend. I insisted not to join. I just dont wish to make your life that miserable with my presence.

480 Days.

Perhaps I could say it's the worst fight that has ever happened between us.
You fetched me over to your place today, and we were fine. Just when we were lying down on the bed after dinner, you told me there's something that you wanted to tell me long time ago but you do not know how to start it. I was acting so calm at first, I thought it would last, eventually it did not.
You told me that you are a permanent OO for the coming orientation. When I already knew you were one few months back, I was waiting for you to tell me. But yeah, you only told me today when you are going to have your OO meeting tomorrow. I was really pissed off due to a few reasons,
1) You said you knew I would be mad if you join so you wouldnt join.
2) You asked for my permission if you could join or not, I said no, but you got mad, and still join even if i said no.
3) You told me you would be a temporary OO which you do not need to be there for the whole two weeks from morning to night but you joined permanent OO.
4) You did not tell me about you confirmed joining until today, and it seemed like I am the last person to know about this.

It made me felt that you did not put me in your situation at all. I just want you to think for me sometimes. Since you really wanna join, I dont mind, as long as you are the temporary OO. You told me you dont have enough time to study. And this orientation is during your holidays. Are you sure you have enough time for everything? Next semester would not be easy for you already. I'm sure you need preparations and stuffs. Holidays do not come all the time, dont you need to rest? Sometimes I really see myself caring too much, maybe I should back off. All the time I told myself I should care lesser, then you would not feel suffocated. But I just couldn't. I just want to go into your life and I believe sometimes I would screw it. But I just want the best for you, and us.
I was really heartbroken, at the same time really unhappy yet devastated. Caring too much lead us to arguments, and causes tears and pain. While I was crying, I thought I was gonna faint. My mind was half conscious, all I felt inside was I wanna fall off from a cliff. I do not know what to do. The only thing that came to my mind was, if I walk out from your life, you wouldn't be controlled by me, you would lead a better yet happier life. The feeling of letting go is so hard, I want to hold back because I really loved you too much. I am trying my best to change my attitude. I am trying my best to give you happiness.
I am sorry if I could not make you happy.... But you're the best guy that I ever had in my life.
Thank you for not neglecting me, for taking all the shits that I have, and all those treatings that might hurt you almost all the time.

I-dont-know-what-to-do.

It's November already. Two months after starting degree life, been having a tough time facing all the hindrances that came about. It's like after you done solving this, the next issue turns up. When is this ever going to end, perhaps never? Life is full of challenges, I believe, but how long can a person stay firm and never falls? 

The love life which sails smoothly all these while, met up with some storms and got shifted a little.

Both of us, suddenly became so different from what we used to be, or maybe, we just do not understand each other like how we used to..

I know, studies come first and I tried not to occupy his time that much.

I just don't understand what's all these anymore and I do not know what should i do.

Like what happened tonight. Last few days, suddenly he just mentioned that he will not join the Orientation Organizing Committee to avoid us from arguements/fights/misunderstandings. I felt glad inside, i meant, well at least he knows it would probably upsets me. 

However, today he was asking my permission, I know I do not have a choice. He just wanted me to say Yes. Therefore I just said in a not-happy manner, just go if you want to, in case you blame me for not letting you joining and stuffs. So what happened to what he told me last few days? I have no idea. Things came crushing inwards. I was supposed to go for 8tv Shout Awards tomorrow, but there he went just now. Why do you wanna go? ETC ETC ETC. GAH I FELT SO.... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE. 

Why whenever I have events that I shall join, I would just let it go. And in the end, I did not manage to join anything when he can do all that. It's not about controlling or not, I just felt that it's unfair isn't it. When he can do it, and i could not. It crossed my mind a lot of times, the thought of not choosing IMU for my degree. I felt that if i joined IMU, non of these crappy stuffs would happen. All i could feel is my heart kept on twisting with itself. All the time when I asked him if it's a wrong choice not to go IMU, but he said it is a right choice... Is it really a right choice? I got really confused by all these happenings. There is no way I could solve them anymore. If he doesn't join as an OO, I would feel bad, because the reason of stopping him is Me. And if he really does join, I know I cannot promise there would be no arguments, fights, tears. I wish I am not this attached to a guy. How i wish i could. I dont know what to think right now, feeling so lost. Lost, again, and again..

Words..

Yes, wanting to watch First Time eversince I watched the trailer.. Thought it would only be out in August so did not rushed to tell boyfriend about it. Yesterday saw the movie's poster and told him i want to watch it... Unfortunately he did not heard me.
& today, off he went to watch it with his friends..
I'm not saying that he couldn't watch it with his friends. But romance movie, hardly available in cinemas isn't it? Always more to action, comedy, thrilling movies.. I missed the chance of watching the last romance movie with him, Love You You. I remembered when I wanted to watch it the last time in the cinema... He complained it was a chinese love story so he did not want to watch it. He prefer english ones.
I did not ask for more, we just chose another movie and watch.

& I've always looked forward to watch First Time with him. I've always think that watching romance movie with the one you love is the most beautiful thing ever. Isn't it?
But yet, another show was failed...

I've been really mean, hot tempered, selfish, demanding and i kept on bombing him eversince he's out from the cinema. I just cant find the rigid reason that he should watch with me again. I find it insignificant. Imagine you are sitting with someone who watched the show. If it's not romance show i dont mind. But romance show. The part where make your heart breaks, heart touched or anything.
It will be First Time. Not, Second Time.... I wish I could watch it with him, but i just cant control my temper towards him right now. Perhaps it is right that we should cool down and have our own time.

Only if I could be cheered up easily.
Only if someone can read what I'm thinking.
Eventhough I voiced out, what's the use?


God, I'm really lost. I love him, but what can I do? I cant make things better. We cant turn back time. Please save me from drowning. I feel like running away... A day, is better than nothing.

Swallowed Up My Feelings.

Well, I have decided to create this new blog.. I meant, blog is just like another runaway in our life. Isn't it? Blogging is what we do, a place where we can pour out all our happiness and sorrows.
I blog, I love people reading it, but sometimes, I just want each and every little things that happen in my life to be recorded, and I will read them whenever I wish to.

Perhaps boyfriend will find out this blog one day. It's not that I don't want him to read all these things that I am gonna pour out, it's just that to avoid more arguements between us. I know the fact that I am too fragile, easy to be hurt, sensitive, thinking too much.. All these problems lie within me and I know I shouldn't make him feel stress or bothered about all of these.

Today, nothing much happen actually. I should feel free, no one bothers me and everything.
But I knew, I was feeling really dreadful. I do not know why? I hate it so much when I tend to be very down, and I do not know the reason. Obviously I will be treating people coldly, don't feel like talking and everything, even to my family. I hate my own attitude but I can't seemed to find any way to solve it.

As usual, a Saturday morning, we went to SS15 to have our brunch.
I know I was starting to act a little strangely. My brother was asking me to get one cream green tea from Cocos but I just don't feel like drinking or eating anything. Then we headed to Tropicana City Mall. Thanks to my "suggestion" , my brother brought us to watch Dark Flight! Gosh, he really spoils me a lot, but thank God I have him as my brother!
I had not watch any horror films ever since the last one that I've watched, Laddaland which was last year. The movie was really creepy, I could not even sleep that night. Worried much and I slept with the lights on! And yes... I managed to sleep only at 6am, when everyone wakes up. D:
We reached there earlier, so I walked around and went to Kitschen. Gosh, there are so many pretty, beautiful dresses and blouses. I managed to try some of it, however I did not buy because I THINK I should save my money. I managed to :P

Dark Flight 407

Dark Flight 407 is a horror film about a young air hostess, New who miraculously survived a plane crash 10 years ago, which was her first year of working. New can always feel that she's haunted by the spirits of the passengers and she is seemed to be blame that she had been the cause of the accident. She insists that a vengeful spirit caused that accident, but her belief unsettled those around her and she had to go through a psycho-therapy. 

However, after so long, she was finally recovered from the trauma and decided to return as flight attendants. This time, she is the leader of the flight attendants. Before she was boarded on the flight, she felt something weird. But on her first flight, New is struck by a disturbing feeling. The plane on which she's working looks familiar, and she realized that it's actually the same aircraft that crashed 10 years ago, though it has been repaired and repainted. Gripped by terror, but there's nothing she can do because the plane has already taken off, along with the same vengeful spirits that reside in it. Up in the air, the spirits are back to determined and take her life this time.

I somehow love the starting part where the flight attendants do their safety demonstration as a dance to pumping techno music that puts most of the passengers in a good mood! It was really cool, and I somehow wish the airlines here do that :P

There's a teenage girl who is obsessed with her iPad's flight-stimulator game, oh yes, that's how convenient it is. And there's a member of the ground crew who is trapped in the baggage compartment when the plane takes off. It just so happens he has something to do with New. There is an instant chemistry between both of them.

The flight starts out fairly routine, until weird stuffs start to happen when a little kid rolls a ball down that wide aisle at the teenager. Passengers see other passengers who are not really there, bloody footsteps are left behind the stewardess and then disappeared. 

Pretty soon it became obvious that the plane is haunted. The exterior of the craft looks like it's been through hell and the wiring and instruments appear as if they've been rotting in the jungle for several years. I shouldn't be spoiling the movie, you guys should watch it! It's not that bad, I would rate it 3 out of 5 perhaps. Do you guys wonder why this incident is happening again after ten years? 

You'll get the answer if you watch it :)

We did some groceries shopping with mummy, then we headed to Kepong to have our steamboat buffet! It was nice, but I just do not have the mood to eat today. Screw my day perhaps?

I was not even talking. All I did was helped my brother with the cooking and barbecueing that's all..

Honestly, I admit that I feel really insecure sometimes. I do not know what will happen.

I keep on having nightmares, they are scary, especially when you know the person who would snatch your boyfriend away. Yes, perhaps I am feeling paranoid or whatevershit. But I do not know how long I could handle with all these feelings. Boyfriend would not be happy if he knows that I am feeling like this. He hates to see me like this, I know.

So I rather keep all these to myself, by blogging, I know I would feel a little better.

Sometimes, telling people your problem nothing could be solved too, because they are not in your shoes, they cant feel it, they do not know how much it hurts.

I believed I get pretty tense for my trust on him eversince the chocolate incident during Valentine's Day. I do not know why it has such a big impact on me. I felt really replaced at that very moment.

Stupid thoughts, thinking that he could not get her, but it was okay, as long as he could see her live happily? I am crapping, I am doubting my boyfriend, how stupid I am to think like this. I know I know, this would be things that everyone would tell me. Of course I know he loves me a lot. 

I do not doubt his love for me. It just that sometimes I think I do not know what he's thinking.

She's pretty, slim, tall, gorgeous. I am nothing compared to her. Definitely guys would go for her instead of me isn't it? I used to be really confident in my relationships. Until the past two relationships that hurt me like hell. I could not believe my other half would be attracted to another person, especially when it's my best friend. 

It was really hard to swallow everything into my stomach. I've gone through it, and I've suffered and I know how painful it feels. When I took the courage to be in a new relationship that pictured me happiness, yet the same thing happened again. It was really scary, I remembered I dont even dare to be in a relationship again. But eventually I met this loving guy, Bryan S. & I know I am loving him all I can, as long as I live. He's too good, that's why. Worried that somehow girls are attracted to his kindness. OKAY. I seriously dont know what's on my mind, but I hate to doubt his feelings.

Boyfriend, if one day you are reading this. I hope you understand. I hate to not know what you're thinking. I hate to doubt your feelings. I know you love me, as much as I love you.

But thoughts.. They are really killing me. I am sorry.